19 YEARS
AFTER
Exactly
19 years ago I walked down the isle with my Wife, Bolanle. When I look back, 19
years has being just like yesterday. For me, It's been years of living with
another person that without her, life will not be complete. This has brought me
to seat in my study on the early morning of our anniversary and take stock.
Life with
Bolanle - A Snapshot
My Wife
is an exceptionally strong woman internally. She is courageous, tough and
strong in character, nonetheless, retaining a soft and gentle mien. Many times
when I pause to take a second look at her, she reminds me of the woman the
scriptures speaks of in detail, the virtuous woman in Proverbs 31. Recently, we started a fashion business, and
she passionately took it up and simply took a go at it relentlessly. Her
capacity to pull up strength from the life within is amazing. Coupled with the fact that she has 3 strong
boys in her immediate life, our 2 boys and myself and a family in our Kingdom
Community (Church) where we work as Undersheperds, her ability to meet everyone's
demands is certainly commendable. She is
definitely a pillar in my life.
As I sit
to take a backward look at the last 19 years with her, reasons for the short
description of who my wife is began to unfold. Some of these reasons I will
narrate in this script as we take a forensic look into the institution of
marriage.
Marriage
is a Contract of the Spirit and not of the Flesh
- (1Cor 7:28 [NKJV])
- But even if you do marry, you have not sinned; and if a virgin marries, she has not sinned. Nevertheless such will have trouble in the flesh, but I would spare you.
Many
years ago, while studying the scriptures, I came across this verse and the Holy
Spirit who authors these sacred words threw light on them. It gave loads of
meaning to defining how a couple must relate in a marriage setting. I
understood by this statement that for marriage to succeed, it must be
approached from the perspective of the principles governing the spirit of
mankind an internal dimension, rather than that of the flesh, an external
dimension of life. To this end, principles governing the spirit have to be
understood and lived by each spouse in a marriage for marriage to succeed. A simple explanation is unveiled in Galatians
Chapter 5.
- (Gal 5:13-15 [NLT])
- For you have been called to live in freedom, my brothers and sisters. But don't use your freedom to satisfy your sinful nature (the flesh or self). Instead, use your freedom to serve one another in love. For the whole law can be summed up in this one command: "Love your neighbor as yourself". But if you are always biting and devouring one another watch out! Beware of destroying one another.
Many
marriages fit this script - husband and wife literally are on the road to
destroying one another. The outcome of a life lived for self or in the flesh in
a marriage context is trouble, in other words, the flesh or self is synonymous
with crisis. I listen to troubled marriages during counselling sessions, and
all I hear is "me", "I"; it's all about the self, what gratifies the "me" and not what sacrifices the "me".
Good
marriages are not the outcome of the works of the flesh, they are the
manifested life of the Spirit, expressed through the flesh. Further unveiling
of the study in Galatians 5 from verse 16 deepens the instruction in this
manual.
- (Gal 5:16 [NET])
- But I say, live by the Spirit and you will not carry out the desires of the flesh.
The flesh
is the active component of life on earth. Spirit and soul, utilize the flesh to
carry out their pre-determined activities here on earth. The soul life if
configured by the earthly realm, manifests a set of degenerate activity, again
detailed further in this letter written to the church in Galatia.
- (Gal 5:17, 19, 20, 21 [NET])
- For the flesh has desires that are opposed to the Spirit, and the Spirit has desires that are opposed to the flesh, for these are in opposition to each other, so that you cannot do what you want…..Now the works of the flesh are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity, depravity, idolatry, sorcery, hostilities, strife, jealousy, outbursts of anger, selfish rivalries, dissensions, factions, envying, murder, drunkenness, carousing, and similar things. I am warning you, as I had warned you before: Those who practice such things will not inherit the kingdom of God!
Now, I've
listed some of these character traits observed in couples in my many years of
counselling. They are the outcome of a life lived by the dictates of SELF. Now,
note that nothing is mentioned here about the devil. These traits when manifest
in a marriage environment results in Gal. 5:15 - But if you are always biting and devouring one another watch out! Beware of
destroying one another.
Continuous
practice equals, either separation or divorce and sometimes destruction of a
spouse - remember the young man that bludgeoned
his wife to death about a year ago. It was orchestrated by the highest level of
self manifestation and not the devil. Therefore, the marriage
institution is not just under siege by the devil but also by man which it was
designed for.
Truth is
that bad marriages record high mortality rates. The more a marriage is
subjected to the flesh, the higher the chances that both spouses may die early.
On the
other hand, marriages succeed and bliss is experienced when Galatians 5:18, 22,
23, 24 are been practiced in a matrimonial setting.
- (Gal 5:18, 22,23, 24 [NET])
- But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law. 22. But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23. gentleness, and self-control. Against such things there is no law. 24. Now those who belong to Christ have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires.
Note the
word "crucified". It literally means "put to death". In
other words, do not let the flesh be under the dictates of the human soul that
is structured by earthly principles. The manifestations are listed above and
tagged the "works of the flesh". They will destroy any marriage. The
most anointed bishop's marriage will end in destruction once these traits
become prominent and are allowed to fester. This revered institution that
sustains mankind, symbolizing God and glorifying Him, will end up in fire, if
it is not subjected to the principles of the Holy Spirit which governs a
regenerate spirit. A healthy marriage is characterized by the principles of
"death to self". Paul in 1 Cor. 15:21, declared "….I die
daily". The fundamental principle of a successful marriage is to "DIE
DAILY", in other words, mortify the deeds of the flesh, EVERY DAY.
Maturity
& Marriage
Maturity
is the key to a successful marriage. Another word for maturity is perfection.
Simply, it is only the Holy Spirit that is perfect. He produces maturity in a
human being. One will know a marriage will succeed if the intending couple are
both mature. Truth is that it's only a man and a woman that can make a
successful home and not a boy and a girl or a male or female. Maleness doesn't
necessarily confer manhood on a human, neither does femaleness confer
womanhood.
On a
lighter note, I've heard the cliché "Lagos Big Boy" used many times. Watch their
homes, it never succeeds. I have a 4 year old son. I see him in many married
men. He throws tantrums when he can't have his way, misuses and destroys his
toys and tears his books. He can be rude and impetuous and wants to basically
keep everything he likes to himself. Sharing his not his strong point. He
always seeks for attention and when he doesn't get it, tries to manipulate his
way to have it. He loves power and he's highly competitive. He boasts of his
strength and always seeks to be praised. If you wake him from his sleep before
time, he becomes irritable. That is the story of many married men. They are
mere boys in the garb of a man. I've met many male adults who are boys within.
They will never make solid homes. Solid
homes are built by complexified manhood.
On a
final note as I put the final dot on this script my conclusion from many years
of counselling couples is that most homes that don't do well are homes headed
by boys who have not become men. Husbands demand obedience from wives they
don't love - sacrifice. Love is not
emotional in nature, it is a deliberate, conscious and mature decision made by
a complexified man who defers his will to that of the Holy Spirit and
sacrifices for his wife.
I've
often traced the fault of broken marriages to men. It all started with Adam.
His inability to oversee his home, lead by example and govern himself created
room for satanic incursion. I've seen the male figure literally tear down and
destroy their own homes out of immaturity. To be mature is to be self governed.
To be mature is to have the ability to lead another life to a place of
fulfilling destiny. Men are raised by other men who have traversed the
courageous path of complexified manhood. Thus the need for mentoring. There's
no self-made man. A self-made man is at best a wimp of a boy. A virtuous woman will love to marry and
follow a mature man. This combination of mankind is what will occupy an
enviable position in today's world and ensure that a righteous generation keeps
the way of the Lord alive in the hearts of humans on the earth.
I leave
you with a scripture:
- (1Pet 3:7 [NET]) - New English Translation
- Husbands, in the same way, treat your wives with consideration as the weaker partners and show them honor as fellow heirs of the grace of life. In this way nothing will hinder your prayers.
- (1Pet 3:7 [NASB77]) New American Standard Bible
- You husbands likewise, live with [your wives] in an understanding way, as with a weaker vessel, since she is a woman; and grant her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.
- (1Pet 3:7 [NLT]) - New Living Translation
- In the same way, you husbands must give honor to your wives. Treat your wife with understanding as you live together. She may be weaker than you are, but she is your equal partner in God's gift of new life. Treat her as you should so your prayers will not be hindered.
As I
celebrate 19 years of "death to self", I pray for troubled homes. May
the spirit of brokenness rest upon you both. May the fire of the Holy Spirit
reform you both. May the power of the Holy Spirit empower you to mortify your
flesh as I speak to dead bones to come alive, in the Almighty name of Jesus.
These
perspectives are what has created a virtuous woman called Bolanle Ifedolapo
Adesugba, an instrument in the Hands of the Lord. Once again, I salute you Ma.
God bless
you all.
